Don’t Buy Retail from Supreme Leader Megatron

I hate it when products don’t work as advertised. You have a problem for which a product purports to solve, you drop the cash for said product, use it as directed, and FAIL. It doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, it falls apart on the first go. Do they think I won’t take it back and ask for a refund? Because I will. As soon as I’m done complaining about it in this blog. I may be the Grandpa Simpson of internet bloggers.

The product I’m lambasting today? A Blue Hawk brand tarpaulin. That’s right: a simple, gray weather-proof tarp. With grommets to use with bungee cords to hold it on to the object it’s designed to protect. Except not. It failed utterly in the grommets and bungee department. It’s the primary function and it failed. Thanks, Obama. I mean Lowes. I even bought the “heavy duty” version. Heavy duty apparently refers to how much the tarp weighs and not how sturdy it is. The problem is the grommets ripped out as soon as I got on the road, leaving my stuff unprotected from the weather. And I lost a bungee so I can’t refund those. That’s a wasted ten dollars and ninety five cents. Also, tarp is an abbreviation for tarpaulin because those extra five letters are cumbersome and useless, just like the product.

I’s not like this was pilot error either. I followed the directions, which were in English and everything. (Though admittedly more of a “pictogram” than actual steps. Still.)  Step One: Cover item.  Step Two: Attach with bungees. Step Three: Autobots roll out. I don’t think I missed any steps. It’s a good thing I tried a test run and it didn’t rain because my ire would be much more pronounced today if my stuff had been ruined. Also, Transformers are made of steel and rust easily.

So the tarp fell apart almost immediately, with the grommets ripping out and flinging a bungee into the atmosphere somewhere along interstate 35. (Perhaps someone like my dad, an avid discarded bungee collector, will recover it and make it useful again.) The tarp itself is now a tattered shell of its former self, and not even duct tape can salvage its essence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m upset that my problem wasn’t solved by the solution I envisioned; it’s the fact that the item failed to function according to its only operational directive that’s irritating me. Optimus Prime is disappointed in you, Blue Hawk. More like Blue Falcon, amirite? (That’s a joke for my Army friends. Google it.)

So, despite the fact that Blue Hawk sounds like it will be an awesome new addition to the Autobots team of road warriors, it is in fact, a substandard product of Decepticon manufacture, designed to fail just as the big battle starts, probably in the middle of a thunderstorm. Smart Bumblebees know to test their arsenal prior to leaving the garage.

In summation, I’m off to shake my fist at the unwitting Lowes customer service representative.