Wife Wanted, Good Credit History a Must

Some important stuff is going down today: My check register is off by 15 cents and my credit card company didn’t send me a bill. In other news, the SCOTUS ruled in favor of same-sex marriage for the country. This is awesome, of course, but I am too stressed out about my missing 15 cents and my overdue credit card balance to care. These things are very distressing to me, especially since I can’t for the life of me figure out what that 15 cents is about and I don’t like being late with bills. I didn’t pay the bill because I didn’t get one. I am old and don’t expect to get bills via email. I pay bills when I get them in the mail. So, I am missing 15 cents, my credit card was overdue and disabled because the bank dude changed my bill setting to paperless, and same-sex marriage is legal everywhere. The times they are a-changin’.

It’s great that same-sex marriage is now the law of the land. Congratulations to all my same-sex couples friends out there who now have the guarantees written in the constitution apply to them. Pragmatically speaking, however,  I am far more likely to need my credit card than marriage protections in the coming weeks. Also, I may have started crying on the phone with the customer service representative, getting her to reverse the $35 late charge. I wonder if the plaintiffs in the Supreme Court case cried in court. I’m betting they did. Crying is a very effective tool for change.

Once I got my credit card bill taken care of, I was then able to focus on the same-sex marriage issue, which I read was passed by a slim majority of 5 to 4. Being one of the four dissenters, Justice Alito said “well then why not marry four gay men together?” Because Justice Alito is an idiot who thinks gay people are trying to marry in groups. In case you’re new here: group marriage isn’t a thing that gays are advocating for. That’s called a “slippery slope” fallacy with a bit of a “straw man” thrown in just for fun. Marriage between more than two people is limited to small sects of polygamous heterosexual cults. “Sister Wives” is a show about straight people, Justice Alito. Stop making sh!t up.  In case Justice Alito is wondering, same-sex marriage will not lead to human-penguin unions either. Although, that would be awesome. Just kidding. Penguins would never want to marry humans. Penguins are very monogamous. Also, they're fiscally responsible and don’t want to inherit our student loan debt.

To all the same-sex couples out there: You can now legally inherit your partner’s credit card delinquencies in every state in the U.S. Yay! Maybe I should get married. This would solve a lot of my problems. It probably won’t happen though. No one wants their fingerprints on my financial train wreck. To be clear, I don’t have financial problems exactly, I just don’t remember to pay bills that don’t come in the mail with a return envelope and I am bad at math. I never did figure out what that 15 cent discrepancy was all about. I gave up and just wrote the number the bank said. Whatever. It’s not the first time I’ve done this and it certainly won’t be the last time.

I’m trying to be all happy about the same-sex marriage ruling, but if I’m being honest, I don’t care that much because I don’t believe it will ever impact my life. I’m much more concerned with student loans and credit debt. The VISA customer service rep assured me that the late bill had not impacted my credit rating “yet” so that’s good, I guess. I want to buy a new car this year so I have to keep on top of these things. Anyway, I can’t imagine that anyone would want to try living with me. I am an introverted loner with weird personal habits and poor fiscal skills. Also, I am a bed hog. Even the cats won’t sleep with me.  

In summation, there’s a Neil Young song called “A Man Needs a Maid” that resonates with me. He laments that he doesn’t need a romantic partner so much as someone to keep his house clean. My version is called “A Woman Needs a CPA.”