Lions and Tigers and Tornados, Oh My

Florida should not have tornadoes. They're just not equipped for it here. I mean, in addition to the whole "at sea level" thing, which makes it impossible to have an actual basement, they don't have any kind of, you know, actual warning system. Where are the sirens? Why is there a tornado touching down mere miles from my house but no sirens are going off? The answer is simple: they don't exist. I guess hurricanes don't need an emcee to announce their entrance. You know they're coming for days. Florida is the traditional home of hurricanes, after all. Tornadoes are a Midwestern party.

I actually don't understand peoples' attitudes here though. "Ha ha I totally slept through it" basically means the same thing as "LOL I was courting death." Seriously, there were a total of six people in the clubhouse. Out of like hundreds of people who live in my community in the same manufactured aluminum cubes designed to amplify and enrage any wind that passes by. In fact, my homeowners insurance specifically exempts wind damage for this reason. A warm summer breeze will rip the roof off like a hungry sailor after some delicious canned sardines. Also, canned sardines are gross.

It seems to me we have only ourselves to blame for all of the unusual weather that happens, whether that's a years-long drought in California, a December flood in  Iowa, or a Florida tornado. I mean, Northerners may like 50 degree temps in January, but we all know that's a portent of something very, very wrong. Perhaps Mother Nature is angry with us. Maybe we should write her an apology note.

Dear Mom,

I'm super sorry about the polar bears drowning and the deforestation of the Amazon and, well, the whole Ozone thing, but, would you please consent to limiting your tornadic activities to the traditional corn belt? (Perhaps just the empty parts of Nebraska, where no one lives?) I would consider it a personal favor. In return I will continue to move turtles out of the road and try to limit my consumption of fossil fuels. If you're feeling grumpy, maybe you could zap Donald Trump with lightning. We'd all get a kick out of that. (Maybe you already did. That might explain the hair.) Also, sorry about the passenger pigeons and Javan tigers. I guess we deserved that antibiotic-resistant bacteria. Payback's a bitch, they say. If you're feeling super-grumpy, you could maybe direct the flesh-eating nematodes towards the 62 people who own 50% of the world's money. That would really help the remaining 6,999,999,938 of us out. Oh, hey, while I'm issuing apologies, I want to say sorry for that sparrow I hit with my car back in 1996. It was a total accident and I still feel bad. (Though in my defense, I think the little dude was playing chicken with his bird buddies.) Anyway, great job with the platypus and thank you for rainbows.

One of Your Stupid-Smart Apes

In summation, you can blame El Nino if you want, but all this crazy weather is pretty much humanity's fault. We should probably stop overfishing sardines too.