News, Weather, and Sports for Cave-Dwellers

I’m watching a local news channel at the car dealer while I wait for my car to be done. It’s not good. The news, not the dealer. I think the car people know what they’re doing. At least, I haven’t heard any loud, unexplained crashes while I’ve been sitting here. The local news, however, is reporting a lot of useless information. Right now, they’re giving me local rainfall totals using multiple decimal places. Is that point zero zero two inches of rain actually relevant information for viewers? I mean, I know there’s been some flooding, but does the thousandths of an inch make a difference for “River Watch ‘15”?

They just reported some soft news about Japanese airline ANA’s new Star Wars-themed airplanes, which are painted like R2-D2. This is cool, except for the fact that the news outlet’s screen graphic for the report was of Hayden Christensen. With his angry red Sith eyes. Does no one at this station have access to the internet? Have they all been living in caves their whole lives? Come on, Channel 9. The only way your representational graphics choice could have been more inappropriate would have been if it was of Captain Kirk.

They have now just informed me that student loan debt is on the rise. I’m so glad that legitimate new media outlets are keeping me in the loop on these new and previously unheard of developments. I was under the impression that student loan debt was a non-issue, what with college being free and all. It seems that the local news is pulling their top stories from old issues of Time magazine that they got from a garage sale. Seriously, who doesn’t know that higher education costs are a problem? I mean, besides Donald Trump.

Now for the weather report: Tropical Storm Danny, which is currently swirling out in the ocean east of the Caribbean somewhere, may or may not become a hurricane at some point and may or may not hit Florida. This is actually the only news I care about and they have told me nothing I didn’t know from a ten second Google search. Also, it may rain today and it will be hot and sunny, probably. Nailed it.

The text “Florida Decides” swirling around a red, white, and blue 3-D graphic of the state outlined in gold is a thing this channel has spent money on. For the 2016 presidential election. Which they are now reporting on. I think they are using this animation in every newscast because they blew the design budget for the year on it and they are going to get their money’s worth out of it.  

I have been sitting here long enough to note that the news they are reporting is on a continuous loop circling back around to the same information every twenty minutes or so. It’s not a recording of the same news report though—they are actually presenting new reports of the same news each time. I think the news caster has changed her blouse too. She was wearing pink, and now she’s got on yellow. How long have I been at this car dealer?

The only thing more out of touch than this local news station is the U.S. Government. They just announced that Navy Seals are going to allow women. Apparently, a high ranking admiral finally got around to watching G.I. Jane, which had been sitting in his Netflix queue since 1997. Also, for those of you watching at home, the army is now desegregated.

In summation, my car is done. I’m outta here.