Sketchy Comedy Gold: John Candy at the Florida DMV

I’ve got to see a man about a horse. And by that, I mean, I need to see a man about a gas-powered vehicle. I assume it will be a man. I’ve never actually met a female used car salesperson. They probably exist. If Subaru of Sarasota has women selling their cars, I will let you know. Today is all about transportation. I must go to the Florida DMV prior to my journey to the car dealer in order to secure an in-state driver’s license and get my Iowa car tags changed over, which the state of Florida requires I do within ten days of my relocation because their timeline is ridiculous. I wonder how they track my arrival date. Also, the origin of the “see a man” euphemism isn’t what I thought. Apparently, I was suggesting I wished to engage in some illicit gambling on equine racing. I thought it meant I had to go pee.

So my day today is all about planes, trains, and automobiles with fewer plans and trains and more motorcycles. Maybe a city bus or two. BTW, the metro bus service here is the Sarasota County Area Transit, and their routes seem pretty widespread and active, which is great. Unfortunately, their acronym, featured all over the city on the bus stop signs is SCAT. Insert requisite poop joke here. Someone should probably tell them.

For some reason, the state of Florida (in its infinite wisdom) has decided that officially issued Iowa driver’s licenses are not valid forms of primary identification. Seriously. I blame Jeb. (They don’t like Texas, Alaska, or Wisconsin either. I mean, yeah, those northerners are pretty sketchy, but Texas? Aren’t Florida and Texas in cahoots?) Because of this, I must also bring a copy of my birth certificate, a passport, proof of residency, proof of purchase, six box tops from Fruit Loops (with grocery store receipts) and a blood sample with me to the DMV. Also, their website clearly states that if I do not have proper identification and accompanying paperwork I will “wait and wait and wait in line only to be sent home, and have to come back and wait some more.” They didn’t hire a professional communicator to write their web copy, apparently.

So, assuming I can get my valid Florida documentation today, I am going to try to get some new vehicles. This is in part because my car is old and I need to get better gas mileage as I am driving a lot more here. I do miss walking to the grocery store. I also just want shiny new things because I’m a capitalist American. Ayn Rand would be so proud. Don’t tell her I considered a Prius. I’m sure there’s a joke about railroads in here somewhere but it might be too high brow for me. Is Ayn Rand high brow or low fruit?

Thinking about twentieth century American literature has put the Animal Farm chant in my head. “Two legs bad, four legs good” only it’s wheels, not legs. And two wheels is good not bad. “Two wheels good, four wheels bad.” What was I talking about? I got on a tangent to nowhere, much like the line at the DMV. Perhaps I should take a book with me. I could be there a while.

In summation, now I do have to see a proverbial man about a euphemistic horse. I wonder if the DMV has a public restroom. I drank a lot of coffee this morning.