Where do hipsters put their i-Phones when they’re moving into their gentrified neighborhood apartments from their college dorm rooms? That’s not a joke; it’s a serious question. Not only do these fashion-forward neo-beat poets suffer from a paucity of pocket-space, but it turns out being a hipster can be fatal. This isn’t a case of someone ingesting sriracha-doused kale-bacon burrito and suffering some kind of food-borne ailment; this is about being a slave to hipster fashion. Okay, so the woman in question didn’t actually die, but she was hospitalized for four days and suffered serious injuries after trying to move furniture while wearing skinny jeans. She suffered paralyzing nerve damage from wearing pants that were too snug. No word on what happened to her i-Phone.
The dangers of fashion are nothing new—women (and a few men) have been complaining about foot pain and toe injuries caused by too-high heels, and the devastating consequences on internal organs from previous centuries’ corsets and hoop skirts. And rightly so: Those “fashions” were designed by men to make women helpless and objectified. (Yes, I know that the history of high heels begins with men’s fashion rather than women’s. Don’t make this about you.) Don’t even get me started on floor-length Victorian dresses that were such dirt and germ magnets, which caused serious respiratory illnesses for their wearers, that public building owners lamented they would have to actually hire janitors to keep the floors clean once the clothing item went out of fashion.
The point here is that fashion has a long history of being physically dangerous. Hipster jeans are just the latest offender in a long line of clothing that can kill or maim you. In fairness to skinny jeans, you’re not likely to get your pant legs tangled in the chain of your penny farthing so they’ve got that going for them. It should be noted that if you are wearing skinny jeans while riding a penny farthing, you are the worst of the worst. If you tell me you have a unicycle rather than a penny farthing, I will punch you in the face. Also, you probably have a handlebar mustache and a black eye (from someone punching you in the face for riding a unicycle.)
Skinny jeans are a style choice, which unfortunately, has coincided with the trend of obesity in the U.S. making them even more dangerous as pants choices go. Excessively tight clothing can and does cause damage, and if you happen to be suffering from low self-esteem (and/or type-2 diabetes) they can cause you to suffer nerve damage and potential paralysis and amputation. This isn’t a joke. Hipsterism can be deadly. Wise up, sheeple. I heard Hitler was a hipster. Just look at that ridiculous mustache. Hitler probably rode a unicycle.
Now, I confess, I did experience a brief period of time where I cow-towed to fashion and wore clothing that was uncomfortable and potentially dangerous in order to fit in with the cool kids. It lasted for about a week in 1988 and ended with an unfortunate explosion at a Pink Floyd laser show involving a can of Aquanet and a Bic lighter. Just kidding. I was never cool enough to get invited to the laser shows. Truthfully though, I have not had a perm since the 80s.
In summation, the next time someone says my baggy cargo pants are out of style, I will respond by noting that I’ve never suffered nerve damage as a result of excess pockets, and I have a place to keep my phone. It's an Android.