The punch line is Log Cabin Republicans. (Because they are a joke. Get it?) There is one group I really do not understand. I totally get why straight, rich, white old men would vote Republican. I just don’t get why anyone else would. The preservation of the status quo and the protection of stupid amounts of wealth makes sense for those dudes. I also kind of get why middle class white dudes would vote Republican too. It’s wishful thinking (and some ignorance), but I get it. They’re the ding-dongs that say down with Obama and his socialism and in the next breath want their social security check and Medicare benefits. (This is what happens when you listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio, people.) Is fiscal conservatism even a thing anymore? Hasn’t the entire Republican party turned into a batsh!t crazy socially conservative machine? Also, Caitlyn Jenner is a Republican. The Log Cabiners put her Vanity Fair cover on a ten foot high sign at Los Angeles Pride this weekend in order to recruit for their political party because of course they did.
But the Log Cabin Republicans aren’t batsh!t are they? Okay, admittedly, they’re rich and white, which is 2/3 of what the Republican party stands for, but that other third is kind of a big deal. I guess they’re really willing to ignore a lot of bigotry and overt hatred to protect their money and privilege. Seriously, dudes, your own party hates you. John McCain does not want to serve in the military with you. Jeb! (the Musical) isn’t interested in protecting your right to marry. Indiana does not want to bake you a cake. And don’t even get me started on the Westboro Baptist Loons. (Are they even Republicans? Maybe they don’t vote because God hates Flags.)
There is a remarkable resemblance between the Log Cabiners and the Human Rights Campaign. Two words: sausage fest. (Yeah, the HRC is in the news lately, for their demographically monotonous organizational structure.) I wonder what kind of crossover membership exists between the LCRs and the HRC. I hope we can just continue to use their yellow equals sign on a blue field as a symbol without actually supporting them as an organization. It’s such an easily identifiable way to recognize other gay cars on the interstate. Vehicular solidarity! Also, those stickers are way more plentiful than rainbow flags—I have like eight of them. I haven’t sent them any money since the 90s but they keep sending me their membership packets anyway.
So, my question to the LCRs is this: Why? Why are you a thing? Why do you value your money over all other considerations? You do realize that the Republican party isn’t actually that concerned with your fiscal well-being at this point in history, right? I mean, their focus has been all about “protecting” the “sanctity” of marriage and drilling oil in polar bears’ back yards. Are there a lot of gay Rockefeller heirs that I don’t know about? It makes sense why gay dudes would not care about reproductive rights since they’re not worried about accidental pregnancy and since they’re rich and white, they don’t need to worry about the prison system. Hey, if someone’s going to support a party that supports some of the worst systematic inequality in the country, I am calling them out on it.
Whenever a prominent Republican gets outed in a sex scandal, the Log Cabin Republicans all just stand around whistling nervously, staring at their shoes hoping no one remembers their party affiliation or their sexual orientation. God forbid someone notices them and asks them to support the cheating husband, or worse, *GASP* crack open their wallets and donate any cash. Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.
I heard someone in the media yesterday say that the LCRs are basically “Jews for Hitler.” Now I wouldn’t go that far but the Log Cabiners do seem to be consistently voting against their own best interest. Seriously, what is their platform? “We vote Republican because we hate ourselves”? This is my blog and I can say whatever I want.
In summation, I really do not understand gay Republicans. Frankly, I think they’re like leprechauns and unicorns: hoarding gold and pooping rainbows. I may have missed an opportunity here for a My Little Pony/DOMA mash-up.