Attack of the Fifty-Foot Insurance Agent

I’ve spent all morning putting out fires. Or to be more precise, I’ve been trying to get coverage to pay for any fires which may occur. If you’ve ever had to deal with insurance companies, you know that they don’t make things easy. What a racket. Just take my money and insure my home. Why do you care whether the air conditioner is on or not? It’s not that hot. The first company I was dealing with had terrible customer service. They kept asking when I was sending them documents that they had not actually requested. So far, I am not experiencing the peace of mind they’ve promised. Also, I don’t understand why they need to know how far away I am from the ocean to insure my home for fire damage. Will Aquaman come help put the fire out? Are manatees inclined to be fire-bugs? I have so many questions.

There are a lot of things that I don’t think about on a daily basis and insurance is one of them, so when I am forced to think about it, it turns my hair gray. Anyone who’s seen me recently knows I cut all my hair off—this was to hide all the new gray I’ve gotten as a result of moving. On the plus side, I’m saving money on shampoo. Also, combing isn’t a thing I do anymore. I don’t miss that. It’s good because if there’s a fire, I won’t have time to worry about personal grooming.

I want insurance, I just don’t like jumping through all the insurance company’s hoops to get it. Of course, I got a second opinion (after many hours and much money invested) and discovered that Company B’s hoops were much less on fire than those I’d been jumping through for Company A. Plus, they were like $500 a year less. A’s coverage was a little better, but not enough to justify the extra money and headaches of dealing with them. Did I mention that insurance seems like a racket? Unfortunately, if you don’t have it, things are much worse. I’m not sure my home and everything in it is worth what they say, but whatever. And the liability coverage . . . I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: You kids get off my lawn. Maybe I can just make a big sign.

I guess insurance is one of those grown-up things that grown-ups have for when grown-up stuff happens. I am apparently a grown-up. Who knew? Despite my complaining about it, I would not want to go without. That pretty much guarantees something bad will happen. I wonder if my policy covers incidental damage caused by superhero interventions. Superheroes destroy more than they save, in my experience. In the Aquaman comics issue The Invasion of the Fire Trolls, they actually started fires underwater. How does that even happen?

So, I decided to follow up with Company B despite all the time and money I had already invested in Company A. Part of me feels like I need to send the representative at the first company a Dear John letter. I spent so much time with her, it’s like I’m breaking up. I am working though my grief, but every time I remember the call where the child was screaming and banging in the background, I strengthen my resolve. I’m a supporter of working mothers, but moms might consider finding a way to keep junior quite during business calls. I think the kid might have been rehearsing for his garage rock band. I’m pretty sure he was the drummer. Also, screaming “shut up” with your hand over the phone receiver is still quite audible to the person on the other end. Craig from Company B seemed less distracted. Also, he didn’t ask me how far away from the ocean I am in order to insure me for fire damage.

In summation, I wonder if Aquaman has ever considered being a firefighter. I hope he deals with those arsonist manatees.