This is a poorly-written blog. I blame the world’s loudest chipmunk, currently living under my front porch. He chirps so freaking loud and at such a high, repetitive pitch that it sounds like the Amber Alert on my phone is going off. The cats sit in the window meowing at him, and they occasionally glance over at me with a look that says “please, can I go out there and silence that delicious little morsel?” I have to tell them no, but I secretly want to know what would actually happen if they caught him. I suspect his chirp would take on an even higher pitched, more alarmed sound. He’s chirping because there are cats watching him. He knows he’s edible. His chipmunk red alert is driving me to distraction. Someone get him some peanuts.
I have a theory about noises that trigger natural alarm reactions, even non-human noises that trigger human alarm. If you’ve ever heard a rabbit scream and wished more than anything to end the poor bunny’s suffering, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Rabbit screams are a horror movie level sound, just below nails on a chalkboard as far as what humans can tolerate listening to. These sounds are why we have things like smoke detectors and alarm clocks make such unpleasant noises. Can you imagine the difference between a fire alarm bleating and one that sounds like ocean waves or gentle rainfall? This theory also extends to good versus bad smells and our strong negative reaction to things that have the scent of poop and death, but that’s a topic for another day.
The reason why I’m taking about this, in addition to the nerve-wracking decibels of the chipmunk on the porch making me unable to think of anything else, is that my phone’s Amber Alert went off yesterday while I was at home. Now, here’s the thing—it’s not an option. I can’t take it off my phone (at least not that I’m aware of—if I’m wrong about that, someone can tell me.) This means that everyone with a phone gets this warning. I have mixed feelings about this.
Fortunately, yesterday’s alert was cancelled quickly—it was for some (seemingly delinquent) teenagers who were located safely. However, when a child is actually abducted, these alerts function to notify everyone that the kid’s missing. Including the perpetrator of the abduction. I legitimately wonder if the alert (on cell phones) is assisting in finding the child. I’m actually really curious about this. Finding kids quickly is imperative, but warning the perp that they know what his car looks like and where he was last seen seems counterproductive to this goal. I genuinely don’t know whether the phone alert does any good. What I am certain of is that child abductors are vermin and if my cats were bigger, well….my cats are carnivores. Om nom nom.
In summation, I’m sitting here trying to ponder deep thoughts while Chippy McNutface is yelling at my cat from the front porch.