Critical Reception: “Worst Movie of All Time” Beats Two Stars

Yesterday I learned that John Voight could use dramatic facial expressions to fight a sheepdog using martial arts and is also the plot of a movie that exists. Hollywood has had some really bad ideas. The film is called The Karate Dog and Chevy Chase is the voice of the dog. Did I mention the dog can talk? Lori Petty was the voice of something (I think like the dog’s computer?) and Pat Morita was in it, because karate, so of course he was. Also, the dog is a homicide detective investigating Pat Morita’s murder. The movie has too many premises. Like all of us, this movie has made some mistakes.

I think The Karate Dog is supposed to be a kids’ movie, but since it was from 2005, no child of the early 2000s is going to recognize any “veteran” actors in the film. (I hope it’s a kids’ movie. I don’t know what self-respecting adult would watch it. Oh wait, yes I do: a very, very stoned adult.) Sad, really, that the careers of these Hollywood giants have fallen so low: Lori Petty’s haircut from Tank Girl continues to guide my fashion decisions and the number of times I’ve yelled “Sweep the leg, Johnny!” during karate class is incalculable. I don’t have anything good to say about Chevy Chase. Sorry. I guess the National Lampoon’s Vacation movie was kinda funny; maybe there’s a joke about a gas station sandwich I could reference. Also, Jon Voight helped make Angelia Jolie.

There are bad movies and there are terrible movies. A crime fighting martial arts dog movie is a bad movie. A terrible movie is something special. A terrible movie is so special in its unbelievable badness, that it somehow becomes good. And by good, I mean bad. Actually, by good I mean watchable. Usually, it’s so terrible, it’s funny. Or at least worth wasting some popcorn on. Terrible movies are to be enjoyed with friends. A good example of a terrible movie is Birdemic: Chaos and Fear. Or was it called Birdemic: Shock and Awe?  I can’t remember the full title. I’ll have to Google that later. Basically the title was Birdemic: Two Things You Won’t Experience on Viewing. Unless a hummingbird matte-painted onto a piece of glass and placed in front of the camera for every scene is chaotic, fear-inducting, shocking and/or terrifying to you. It wasn’t for me; although, it was worth some hearty guffaws. I wish there were more terrible movies like that. For every Star Wars epic we get to enjoy, I think Hollywood should also give us a Troll 2 to revel in because classic dialogue like “Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards” just bears repeating.

The thing about terrible ideas is that, once released to the universe, there will be someone to laugh at your expense. If you’re smart and/or you’re Tommy Wiseau, you quickly figure out that the laughter beats the obscurity you’d otherwise be doomed to and you run with it. Wiseau has made a sequel to his quotable train wreck of a film, The Room, widely referred to as the worst movie ever made. Seriously, there’s a sequel. Wiseau figured out he has a cult following and he’s going with it. As Pee Wee Herman famously said, “I meant to do that.” He was not referring to that adult theatre incident at the time.

I think Lori Petty is making a comeback on Orange is the New Black. I’m not sure how this information relates. I just like talking about her and her sassy short hair. She really didn’t make any terrible movies. The moral of the story is that if you’re going to eff up, do it spectacularly so the rest of us can enjoy it. A little self-deprecating humor and awareness of your shortcomings goes a long way. Without it you’re just a creepy John Travolta dressed like a gigantic ugly alien.

In summation, we all make mistakes, whether that’s cramming contrived plots about dogs with black belts into craptastic children’s movies, eating sandwiches purchased from gas stations, or writing daily blogs about nothing. You might as well bask in your own terribleness. That’s my plan.