So yesterday, Hillary announced her candidacy for president, surprising no one. She wants to be our hero. She said so on Twitter. Okay, she used the word “champion.” Same diff. The GOP is delighted and many liberal Democrats are disappointed and concerned. If you don’t know why, you’ve been living under a rock. Or in a bat cave. She should consider using the Batman movie franchise as her campaign model. Seriously, it seems apropos. I’ve updated Batman’s motto for her: "She’s the candidate America deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll support her. Because she can take it. Because she's not our hero…” I’m imagining a big H projected into the sky whenever there’s a global crisis the U.S. needs to get involved in.
In addition to her qualifications as Secretary of State, her Twitter profile also says that she is a “hair icon” and “pantsuit aficionado.” That right there is why I’m going to vote for her. Just like Batman, she’s concerned not only about the citizens of Gotham/America and the destructive power of the GOP/Joker but she has an awkward fashion sense and a clunky sense of humor. That’s worth a few votes, right?
A lot of folks smarter than me have already written a lot about Hillary’s campaign, but it bears repeating. Not supporting Hillary is a vote for the comic book villains. Do you want The Penguin in the White House? Do you like the idea of Mr. Freeze and Two-Face appointed to the Supreme Court, supporting corporate interests and further restricting civil liberties for women, gays, and minorities? Are you really interested in The Joker robbing more banks and blowing up hospitals? Then support Harvey Dent’s campaign. Seriously, no matter who wins this next election, we are all effed. Yes, we are stuck in a two-party system. I don’t know how we’re going to fix that. I’m pretty sure it’s not going to get repaired by November of 2016. Yep, voting for Batman I mean Hillary is the lesser of two evils.
I would love for another option. But we’re getting Hillary. I’m actually less worried about the email thing than some folks (although that was just stupid) than I am about the secrecy and what seems to me to be a woman who’s not quite in touch with the constituency she advocates for. Seriously, her similarities to Batman are scary: A wealthy recluse out of touch with the average Joe but still sort of advocating for him while throwing parties that only rich people attend. Also, the ordering of Bush-Clinton-Bush-Obama-Clinton is a bit too nepotistic for the supposed principles of our country. Can we have some additional variety? Even if she becomes the first female president, Hillary still feels like she’s part of the boys club. I can’t help but wonder how she privately reacted to Bill’s indiscretions. Did he have to sleep on the Oval Office couch for a month? I really want there to be a secret door in the White House that leads to an underground cavern full of cool motorcycles.
I’ve decided the best thing we can do is to repackage Hillary as the anti-hero Batman. Not the hero we wanted but apparently the one we deserve. Actually, I can imagine her with a utility belt and a butler. Maybe if she gets Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman on her campaign team, we can get over the hump of political disillusionment. I think Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are on board already—that’s promising. Even Nancy Reagan’s come out publically in support of her, which is an interesting portent. It’s either a sign that women are gaining some political power or it’s an augur of a coming apocalypse. Either way, hang on to your @$$. We’re in for a ride. I’m so glad I live in Iowa. Rumor has it that Hillary is on the way here now. In a van. Lucius Fox needs to get her a cool off-road campaign ATV.
In summation, Hillary is our champion. Let’s hope the campaign is more like The Dark Knight and less like Batman and Robin. We’ve had enough of Arnold Schwarzenegger in politics already.