Cats should not be allowed to drive cars. That darn Toonces wrecked every car he ever drove. The forty year old sedans Toonces’ family kept buying exploded into flames on impact. Fortunately, cats always land on their feet and Toonces walked away from every incident. Was Toonces a gray tabby or an orange tabby? I think he dyed his fur. In any case, I don’t blame him for the poor driving. He’s a cat. I blame his owner: Victoria Jackson. She’s the real threat.
You may remember Victoria Jackson from such Saturday Night Live skits as, well, “Toonces the Driving Cat” and I don’t know what other skits she was the principle in. She appeared frequently opposite funnier SNL celebrities like Church Lady Dana Carvey and Phil Hartman. (Man, I miss that guy. You might remember him from such Simpsons spoofs as “Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off!” starring Troy McClure and Troy McClure directs The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.) Yes, that Victoria Jackson: blonde hair, whiney high-pitched voice, crazy Tea Party conservative—that’s the one.
Jackson has made the transition from full-time comedian to part-time right-wing nut job. In fact, her performances at Tea Party rallies and political events in recent years has been so over-the-top-Michelle Bachmann-isn’t-a-witch-Obama-is-a-lizard convincing that I have decided she must be participating in the lengthiest SNL skit ever. She’s really immersed herself in the role. It’s method acting the likes of which we’ve never seen before. Also, in the picture of her on her website, she’s wearing a giant pink bow with white polka dots in her hair à la Minnie Mouse. I’m not even kidding—her fashion icon is a cartoon mouse.
The thing about American politics is, for every Barack Obama talking about marriage equality, there’s a Pat Robertson warning us about lesbian witchcraft, for every Al Franken out there calmly discussing pay equity and minimum wage laws in a silky voice, there’s also a Victoria Jackson screaming about the imaginary persecution of rich white people. She is still on about the birth certificate too. Come on now, Vicki, the president has been elected to two consecutive terms—give it up already.
In summation, Al Franken’s middle name is Stuart because of course it is, Toonces was arrested and had his license revoked so I don’t know why they kept letting him drive, and it’s really hard for me to take Victoria Jackson’s politics seriously because when she shouts about “Obama the Muslim” through a megaphone she sounds like Fran Drescher on helium.