Battle for the Twitter-Dome: Master-Blaster Versus Charlie Church

If you’ve been reading my nonsense for a while then you’ve heard me talk about Twitter. It’s a crazy virtual place with lots of bizarre people and strange rituals. Anything can happen in the Twitter-verse and I am sometimes baffled by events occurring under the “Twitter-Dome.” (Thanks to DJ Timmy Tim @OrcsBlood for that moniker. I love the idea of Twitter as THUNDERDOME!) Twitter keeps me up-to-date on major cultural events like the Oscars and the Super Bowl, and of course, I am still building an army of robot minions for my eventual conquest of the earth. (That’s proceeding very slowly, by the way. I haven’t recruited any new bots in a while.) But sometimes actual human people follow me and my response is: Who the eff is this?

Case in point: Yesterday a religious dude started following me. Seriously, an honest to god (see what I did there?) man of the cloth (I guess?) with a published book on some churchy stuff. I’m going to call him Charlie Church since that’s what Homer Simpson calls Ned Flanders. I have no idea how Charlie stumbled upon my Twitter account or why he thought I would be someone to keep track of under the dome.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against the church as an institution, or any specific churches in particular, with the obvious and notable exception of the Westboro Baptist nut jobs, but I am not religious and not looking to become religious. My beliefs stand very well without formal organization. It is therefore both confusing and, frankly, laughable, that anyone would be interested in reading my blog and/or 140 character musings on Twitter from a religious perspective. In fact, I am fairly certain this is the first time I’ve even discussed religion at all in my writing. (Unless I’ve criticized the WBC crazy-holes in the past, which is possible. Although, in fairness, they barely count as organized religion—they’re categorized as a hate group by the FBI.) At any rate, I can’t imagine what Charlie hopes to gain by following me.

I have two guesses about why he started following me (and probably expects me to follow him back.) One: He’s concerned with atheist rhetoric and wants to do verbal battle with those who discuss such issues. I am following the outspoken atheist YouTuber @JaclynGlenn and perhaps that’s how he found me. I’m not actually following her for that reason though. I’m not an atheist; I just like her music. (Sorry, Charlie.) Two: He’s super anti-gay and wants to criticize out, gay people in 140 character homophobic bursts. Again, not interested. Seriously, I do not understand this follower. Maybe he just wants me to buy his book. It looks really boring, Charlie.

Then again, perhaps he’s actually interested in my random philosophizing on pop culture and whatnot. If so, then I say welcome to the Twitter-Dome, Charlie Church. I hope you enjoy the show. When the chanting of “two men enter—one man leaves” begins, just join in and start banging on the bars with the rest of the post-apocalyptic denizens. Inevitably, we will all feel bad when Blaster is unmasked, Max will win the fight, and Aunty will be left to clean up the pig sh!t.

In summation, my army of robot minions is still too small to lead a revolt against corporate America, I need to find out if Tina Turner has a Twitter account, and I have zero interest in debating quasi-religious issues with strangers under the Twitter-Dome.