Jerry Springer’s Spring Break Extravaganza: “Bi-Curious” Drunk Girls

Spring break is imminent. I actually considered going to Florida next week. There’s a legit academic conference taking place in Tampa that I was interested in attending. Until I looked at plane ticket prices and saw that the airlines had jacked them up about $1,000 over the non-spring break week prices. I’m not even kidding. Tickets to Tampa during spring break week are around $1,500 round trip but the week after they’re back down to $500. Screw you, Bill Shatner. That’s not in my priceline. (I know it’s not actually Bill’s fault. It’s the airlines.) In any event, it means I’m not going to Florida next week. At least it’s not supposed to snow here in Iowa. Maybe some freezing rain, but no snow.

According to Fox News (my personal favorite source for accurate and quality reporting) the top seven locations (WTF, Fox? Couldn’t come up with a full ten?) for spring break are Key West, New Orleans, South Padre Island, Las Vegas, Daytona Beach, Panama City, and Lake Havasu. Their list also has a picture for each of these locations, which is coincidentally a picture of a bunch of cis-looking white 20-somethings in swimwear drinking booze. Crowds of them. Crowds of drunks in swimwear. It looks awful. Also, I think Fox accidentally included a picture of a drag show in Key West. They do know about Key West, right? I’m talking about the free-roaming chickens, of course. And all the gays. There’s even an LGBT museum. I doubt that’s why people go to Key West over spring break though.

If you’re looking for something a bit more…ahem…adventurous, has fifteen suggestions for the “trashiest” spring break destinations. I can’t think of a worse way to plan a vacation. Sitting with my travel agent at the local AAA office: “I’m looking for a vacation where my chances of being roofied and possibly kidnapped by organ harvesters are as close to 100% as possible. Suggestions?” My agent pulls up, which (since she’s a good travel agent, she has it bookmarked) and recommends some real winners.

These locations include the same seven locales as Fox, but adds eight more and provides details on why they’re among the “trashiest” destinations in the nation. For example, In Myrtle Beach, I can go to my “favorite strip club” and drink booze into the wee hours of the morning after the bars have closed. If I then find myself in Fort Myers (presumably because I’ve spent the night in a titty bar drinking, and then have hired a taxi to take me to Florida in a drunken stupor) I could wind up in the “run down area of the beach” where I can engage in a “booty contest” with other drunken co-eds. Honestly, I don’t even know what a booty contest is. I was afraid to Google it. I think whipped cream may be involved. Also, possibly Jerry Springer is there with a camera crew.

At least is acknowledging that Key West is LGBT friendly. They’re quick to point out you can wander around in public naked and the open container laws aren’t enforced. Sounds like a win-win to me. (Seriously, ewww.) Their photographs are all of drunk females in swimwear with their tongues hanging out pretending to be lesbians. (I think this is what “bi-curious” means on dating sites. Gross.) I wish mainstream vacation photos of drunk people partying would stop co-opting lesbianism. Lesbians don’t show themselves kissing men as a way to promote the crazy atmosphere of Dinah Shore Vegas. Think about it.

In summation, all the students are heading south for spring break so it’s probably safer if I stay here and enjoy the quiet of a temporarily empty college town.