According to the reports coming in from Echo Base, it is a “real feel” temperature is -10 degrees right now. It snowed all day yesterday and the rebel technicians can’t seem to get the speeders adjusted to the cold. Unfortunately, my buddy Luke Skywalker (AKA my car) has been outside all night and may be hallucinating about small green aliens on warm jungle planets.
Once it actually stopped snowing and mostly quit blowing, I set out on a rescue mission across the frozen Hoth tundra (AKA clear out my driveway) so I could reach Luke. My tauntaun (AKA my snow blower) is a little too short to be an effective winter mount. We got about six inches of snow, which is honestly not that much in the grand scheme of things, but my puny tauntaun literally could not even. It dropped dead and I had to improvise. Fortunately, I found Luke.
I think you see where I’m going with this. Yes, I, Han Solo, that roguish daredevil who meets a somewhat unpleasant fate at the end of this particular chapter in the saga (I get frozen solid and do not get the girl) had to save the orphaned hero. Somehow, Luke’s force-sensitivity wasn’t keen enough to sense the Wampa and he wasn’t bright enough to stay inside the cave (my garage) overnight and out of the wind-chill. (Seems like a pretty convenient plot point for Obi-Wan to show up and give him ghostly directions, doesn’t it? But whatever, I’ve always put my faith in a good blaster, not hokey religions.)
Anyway, my tauntaun died before I reached the first marker and Luke was just laying there in the snow, not moving, waiting for me to clear away the ice and get some heat going. I took a semi-conscious would-be Jedi’s light saber (AKA my snow shovel) and managed to keep us both alive until Rogue Two took us back to base. It was nice of those guys to finally show up. The princess was pretty worried.
In summation, I need a more powerful tauntaun, I couldn’t think of a metaphor for the Wampa, and I’m going to move to Dagoba as soon as possible.