The Busy Blogger’s Guide to Skimming Social Media

I’ve got a lot to do today. I have to prioritize my time-wasting. I can only procrastinate on important trifles. I therefore present my list of go and no-go Facebook posts. Please understand that this isn’t a comprehensive list of things I may or may not look at on Facebook, but it should provide you with a general guide of how I am spending my “free” time.

Three things I am inclined to upvote on Facebook today:
1) Pictures of cats doing cute and/or annoying things: We all need a cat picture with our morning coffee.
2) Posts of cool, creative stuff my friends are doing: I love cool, creative stuff.
3) Sir Ian and Sir Patrick bromance shares: Because pictures of gay wizards and a bald starship captains holding hands in bowler hats is pretty much what the internet was designed for.

Three things I will ignore on Facebook today:
1) Baby pictures charting a kid’s development that look the same as the ones posted earlier this week: Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Sorry.
2) Inspiring text placed over nature photos: God, I hate these stupid things. Photoshopped pictures of Marilyn Monroe quotes with trees in the background do not motivate me to change the world.
3) Sportsball posts: Yeah, I don’t care about one sportsing team beating some other sportsing team. Nothing personal; I just hate sportsball.

If you are wondering why I didn’t give your post a thumbs up, then refer to the list above. If you’re looking for me to actually comment, share, read, or otherwise engage with a post, it’s going to need to contain some actual meat and potatoes. Here are some suggestions:

1) Snarky posts about the state of higher education: Mocking idiocy within my chosen profession always makes me chuckle.
2) Idiot politicians saying moronic things: So much fodder for commenting and future blogs. I really love idiocy. Bonus points if there is a creepy animated gif included (i.e. Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann eating a corndog in an ever-spinning loop of insanity.)
3) Bizarre, funny, or ridiculous videos, which contain the word “monkey”: I will watch them. Ikea monkey? Monkey Jesus? Hells yeah. That reminds me, I haven’t reposted Parry Gripp’s “Baby Monkey Going Backwards on a Pig” in a while. Might be time for that again.

And finally, I thought I would share with you the kind of posts that make me actually unfollow or unfriend people. Here’s that list:

1) Chain letter posts: Seriously, stop that sh!t. You’re a grown-ass person. Do your really believe in that nonsense? No one wants your spam in their Facebook feed.
2) Bible verses, especially the ones that tell me I’m a sinner in need of saving: You do know I’m a flaming gaymo, right? Quotes from Leviticus will get you blocked.
3) Trollish comments that employ the repeated use of logical fallacies, especially ad hominem. Stop saying I’m a poopie-face and learn how to engage with others appropriately.

In summation, I’ve only got so much time in my schedule to waste today but I can make room for a video of a baby monkey riding backwards on a pig set to upbeat dance music.