I am apparently the only person in the United States who didn’t watch the Super Bowl yesterday. It’s not because I’m unpatriotic (see what I did there?) so much as it is that I don’t care. I was initially concerned I would have to silence my twitter for the evening since I didn’t want to read endless tweets about sportsballing. Fortunately for me, most of the people I follow on Twitter are actually fabulous pop culture icons and their tweets had nothing to do with the game and everything to do with the bread and circuses of the half time show. Therefore, I present to you, my retelling of the half time show as recreated through my reading of other peoples’ tweets.
The show began like The Hunger Games with the girl on fire, Katy Perry, riding in on a giant chariot pulled by a flaming lion. She was stoically waving at the crowd as the blue haired announcer praised her glory. At least one lesbian Thundercat ran out on the field and volunteered as tribute.
Suddenly, a Sharknado erupted unexpectedly and some great whites came out as gay and joined Ms. Perry in playing the video game “Dance, Dance Revolution.” The video game dance marathon apparently triggered a teleportation event, and Missy Elliot was transplanted inside the computer world of Tron. She was reported as having “won” the game with her Light Cycle and her fast reaction times. (Congratulations, Missy!)
All this was followed by Haley Joel Osment recreating the plot of The Sixth Sense to create an insurance company’s “you might die” ethos, and then some sort of Hockey match broke out. According to my sources, some large sea birds placed an improperly inflated sports ball on a Rose Parade float and drove it around the field until everyone wanted to adopt some puppies. It all sounded like a really great time. I'm sorry I spent my evening otherwise engaged.
In summation, this is the way the world ends: not with a bang but with a tweet.