Johnny Depp is now a parody of himself apparently. The next great tale in the never-ending saga, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is in the works. For those of you not keeping score, this will be the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I know, right? There have already been four of them. No word yet on whether Orlando Bloom will make an appearance. Sources say he’s “open” to the idea. Everyone else has had the good sense to jump ship before now. A much less reliable source indicates that the sixth film is slated to be called Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow Versus Freddie Krueger. (Remember when Depp was in A Nightmare on Elm Street? Yeah, it’s that kind of joke.)
I bring this up because I remember when Johnny Depp made movies that didn’t require rehashed sequels and campy pseudo drag performances to make a buck. Remember Chocolat? That was an Oscar nominated film. Or what about Edward Scissorhands? Anyone who ever felt awkward and isolated as a teenager loved that quirky film. He was in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape for crying out loud, which, if you saw that film, you did.
But somewhere on this road of a film career, Johnny has lost his way. He only plays ever increasingly mocking caricatures of earlier characters. Willy Wonka was basically Raoul Duke from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with candy and Oompa Loompas instead of LSD and Dr. Gonzo. His Tonto in The Lone Ranger was just Jack Sparrow as an American Indian stereotype instead of a pirate stereotype. Eventually, Depp will make a movie where he plays every one of his previous characters simultaneously. That will actually be epic.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I actually like Johnny Depp, and I like pirate movies; however, I probably won’t go see this latest one. I didn’t see the fourth one. Was number three on Netflix? I can’t even remember which one was which. I think the first one had zombie Geoffrey Rush and the second one involved some squid-faced guy. The point is, unless the series is supposed to be multiple movies from the beginning, like The Lord of the Rings (not The Hobbit--Peter Jackson pls stahp) then I get bored pretty fast, especially when the plot, performances, and cinematography are identical to what’s come before. I saw Pirates number two at the drive-in and fell asleep in the car. The bottom line here is that the Johnny Depp film sequel we all really need right now isn’t another Pirates movie, it’s Ed Wood 2. Martin Landau is still alive, right?
In summation, Johnny Depp has eaten too much chocolate and is suffering from a sugar-induced mania that may linger for the rest of his career, but he remains as cute and bizarre as ever.